freewriting.

1. work. how can is see this with love? it’s money to pay my car and let me see the ones i love. some days are bad, but i have met some beautiful people. i help people get better every day. i care about people, and it makes me a better person. i’ve met some friends there. instead of being jealous, i need to appreciate who they are individually and thank them for bringing something different to my life. i’m not meant to spend the rest of my life there, but for now it is money and a good experience.

2. school. i am going to get a good education and get a job that i love doing. ing please guide me. i have met some interesting people and it keeps me occupied.

3. ex. you have taught me a valuable lesson in life. i can never make someone into something their not, nor should i. you are beautiful the way you are, as am i. you gave me the greatest gift- and that is what i’m looking for in a mate is not like you. and i mean that with love. you will make some girl very happy one day, but it will not be me.

i am not anxious about the future, the unknown is what makes life exciting. i don’t know where i will be next year, but i will ~ing it.

my family. trust may have been broken, but now i know how much family does mean to me. maybe i would have made worst mistakes if i didnt go through that. love. moving on. i learned a valuable lesson, which is what lifes about.

I woke up this morning in a pretty good mood. tired, but in a good mood.

i’m pretty far into gaby’s book, and it may sound silly, but i can feel more love already.

today i am going grocery shopping (which i havent done in forever) to buy some good foods for me. I am going out to lunch with two good friends which is always nice.

Today I am working on bettering myself. My goal for the day:

Laugh. laugh more than you have in a long time. appreciate the people surrounded by you today, because they won’t be here forever.

“inner guide, please lead me to know the truth.

lead me to release all attack, fear, judgement, and anger. help me forgive.

i welcome forgiveness as my safety, serenity, and inner peace.

i welcome happiness and release.

thank you.”

there is no better time than the present.

rawforreal:

I’ve blogged this before, but I wanted to share it again. I made a big bowl of isreali salad for dinner, it was soo good!

Israeli Salad

2 medium roma tomatoes, cubed
1 1-pound English cucumber, cubed
1/2 medium red onion, cubed, or 4 scallions, finely sliced
3 tablespoons finely minced fresh, flat-leaf parsley
Juice of half a lemon
2 to 3 tablespoons olive oil
Salt and pepper, to taste

So here I am, a newly 24 year old “woman” who is searching for peace, calm, and serenity in a world full of anxiety, depression, and hatred.

I have been anxious and angry most of my life, but like Gabrielle, knew there was love that i wanted to feel but couldnt.

Here I am going to write about my daily journeys on bettering myself. Both inside and out (Most importantly out).

I mentioned Gabrielle because I am reading her book “spirit junkie”.

a co-worker of mine went for coffee after work yesterday and she spoke of how she loved Gabrielle and her books. Me and my coworker
are creepily similiar. we both want to learn how to find peace in ways that other people our age usually wouldn’t want to do.

my goal this year is to be happy.

I am on the second chapter of Gaby’s book and after the mediating exercise, she wants us to answer some questions.

so.. here we go.

1. what am i afraid of?
Failing and being alone. I am afraid that I will disapoint my parents. I am the only child without a diploma on the wall, and i want that to change.
The being alone stems for past fears, as i just read about. I am scared to love unconditonally because last time i did that..
well i’m still dealing with it. I am sad. I am afraid that I will never be happy.

2. how do i attack myself?
One way was my eating disorder. Though no one besides me know that I had one, I starved myself for 4 months and lost 30 pounds.
i thought i would feel better if i wasn’t fat. now i gained that back, plus another 30. i constantly put myself down because of how i look.
i attack myself by calling myself ugly or saying that i can’t do it.
i keep myself from going out with friends because i don’t want to be the ugly one. i lie because i want to see more interesting.
i hold onto past events that bring me down and think about it until it consumes me with anxiety.

3. how do i attack others?
oh boy. Well. I am constantly talking about others behind their backs. I try to one-up one particular friend. When someone tells me a
story that makes them look good, i immediately start to think about how they must be lying.
i put my sister down earlier, unnecessiarily, for shutting the dryer off while my clothes are in it.
i yell. i give dirty looks. i don’t show others love.

4. how do i bring my past fears into the present and future.
i kind of touched upon this, but..
my exboyfriend. My fear of getting hutr again makes me not even want to try to find love.
all of my failed friendships makes me not even want to put effort into them anymore.
i don’t want to diet because i wont be losing weight as fast as when i wasn’t eating at all.
i fear that i’m going to disapoint my parents again, so i rerouted my whole major just to have a degree earlier.